My indecipherable thoughts 

I kinda grew up living but always learning – and each time I had an evaluation of events, I may have always thought there was a pattern. So I play the victim but I am not the victim, in fact no one is the victim and from my evaluations I drew up patterns. But patterns don’t necessarily tell accurate stories in reality except in business management and data systems. Psychotherapists and psychologists may argue differently. My patterns are not thematic!!
This I know. I was scared of imperfections not because I was perfect but maybe I needed a bit more stability in my life. And that’s ok. But a good balance of stability comes with a strive, an effort to attain perfection. Well, almost.

I knew I couldn’t have ‘perfect’ but I wanted it. Perfection in a loved one. Next to perfect in a job. Maybe by perfection in a loved one, I wanted simplicity, compatibility, compassion, and love. Maybe I wanted more?

I learnt I had to accept the roses with the thorns 

They say you ‘settle’ if you can’t find that exact standard you set or at least some balance (of compromise); over-comprise if I am being more precise. 

Compromise comes with personal (sometimes societal standards and other times, a combination of both)

Standards are aligned to acceptance, tolerance of values, norms, forms, people. 

Acceptance is aligned to choices 

Our choices are borne of free will. Free will is nature.

Generally, we as human beings don’t like to live with the consequences of our choices. Not all the time. Especially if/when we know there were not great choices. We want the consequence to go away quite quickly, cease to exist. So we judge our standards (the ones we chose as a result of that consequence) and often conclude we ‘settled’ or made a mistake. But by whose standards do we measure ‘settling’/mistakes? And where are these rules? Whose standards are right or wrong? Didn’t Hitler’s followers think of him as a great leader by their standards? If you chose to eat dinner for breakfast, does that mean it’s a wrong decision? There could be consequences for eating dinner for breakfast but does that make it a mistake when the decision was borne out of a conscious choice, freewill? Is a mistake often an accurate representation of what we think it is?

I have often wondered if the word ‘settling’ is a nice word to address human beings? Like a friend said to me sometime recently, with a direct reference to my current partner ‘I think you may have settled”. …Perhaps, by her standards or in comparison to what she perceives as my standards – which may be borne from what she thinks I am worthy of. Which is fine. This could be her judgement and perception of my standards due to aspects which form my personality perhaps my physical and mental qualities, no? So I ask, does that mean if we shouldn’t be ‘settling’ for these people, these jobs, these standards of services then someone else less worthy than ourselves should have them or ‘settle’ with/for them? So if something or someone is considered so bad, less worthy, so wrong for us, due to judgments which stem from personal standards then it’s ok for them or the situation not to be linked to us as we don’t want to be seen to ‘settle’. However, it’s ok for other people to have the rejected person, product, service, situation. As long as it’s not us! Because that’s fine. We don’t honestly care! And maybe that’s ok because we are different. I could assume a job which my predecessor so dreaded and I would love it because we have different standards. I could meet a man whom his exes believe is a right jerk, but I can’t see myself existing without him. Or I go into a store and someone could say ‘I would never wear that, it’s tacky’ but I would go for it because I have dreamt of having that style all my life. So what are standards. Whose are right or wrong? What is settling? Why do we use that word? Is it a kind word to address our associations with another human being?

I struggled to accept that I needed to adhere to these stupid rules. 

What if I am happy? But what does happiness mean to me? I often evaluate that. What does it mean to you?

Is it when you are capable of laughing all the time?

Is it when you are at peace with your inner self? When you have a great job?

Is it when your consciousness is healthy? 

Is it when you are upset but you are able to let go? Knowing that being upset also comes with a healthy consciousness.

Is it giving? Sharing? And feeling great for doing it without expecting back because you gave with a positive consciousness. Is it the ability to love unconditionally and be loved back? What does being happy ensue? 

Is it ‘settling’. Am I settling for a job I find fulfilling even when my boss is a right pain in the arse? Is it that one aspect of the entire picture which skews it all up and makes me say ‘I am unhappy in this job or relationship and therefore conclude that perhaps I may have settled? Is it the relationship that I find so amazing. However, my man is imperfect (as I am) and therefore when our personalities clash and we face conflicts then I decide I am unhappy and perhaps I may have settled because my consciusness is convincing me that there is ‘better’ somewhere out there and therefore I can get ‘better’. What is ‘better’ though? Again, by whose standards? As long as the quality of your life is not at risk of suffering i.e abuse, risk of death etc then what is the definition of finding ‘better’ outside what you have? What is the guarantee that ‘better’ is somewhere lurching for us. I accept that sometimes this is the level of delusion that baffles me because it keeps me chasing shadows, shadows of perfection that are so imperfect because mankind is infallible. Without stating the obvious, knowing it’s the damn truth! Why am I trying to discover my errs as if it’s one of the mysteries that has befuddled mankind’s greatest and sophisticated minds (Stephen Hawking was said to be struggling with it) No, he wasn’t. I am! 


  1. Pam · November 24, 2015

    Great piece! Very in depth and insightful.
    Makes for a wonderful read!

    Liked by 1 person

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