The Eternal City

I met him Friday night
I thought he liked my friend…
Saturday evening, the penultimate day…
We went for one drink
Cabbed to the most sensational garden I have ever walked into
It was magnificent
I was short for words
He kissed me, I melted to ice
It was beautifully serene as he held me

We talked about our past, growing up and our future
We walked the Spanish steps
He could have carried me through
I said no
I wanted him to come away with me
We walked back to his hotel room
I soaked in a moment – one full action and inaction
The moment of truth but I walked away
I left sadly alone to my hotel room
Thinking how real this could have got
I could easily love this man

Sunday, Sunrise
He meets me for breakfast
Reception rings to say “your guest is here for breakfast”
I didn’t have any appointments – I knew no one in Italy
Couldn’t wait to have this breath of fresh air behold my sight
He could see it written all over my face
At noon
We are in the presence of the Holy See at the Vatican
My feet crossed across his
In what seemed like a beautiful summer day
We received his Latin blessings
Had brunch at ‘Ginger’
I smiled at him so sweetly

My heart slowly gave in to him
I sadly return to England, don’t know why stay was inevitable at this time
Catching tear drops in my hand
A lump in my throat as I kissed him goodbye in the taxi
He would be in my mind for a long time
Driving down the road to the airport
I felt sorry for myself for what I loved but could potentially not have
And more tears flowed down my eyes…
Feeling so empty and deflated
Feeling like a little girl who had lost her sense of belonging

I adored him
Not one man has ever made me feel this way (well, so quickly)
It could have been false intent from his part
It could have been ordinary and meaningless
Well, I made it and framed it into a beautiful picture of love

We talked
Had got to know each other
I thought what we shared was a masterpiece. It’s still very much in my head. He made me fall for him.
I remember it too well.
Time went by quickly with him
I became emotionally paralysed
As he reminded me that I could love again
Well, maybe not love but I could share bonds of joy again
The Eternal city brought us together
As I wondered, why do things happen if there turned out to be zero possibilities?
Oblivious to him, he stole my heart
I thought about him all the way home
Whispered to myself that I wanted him to be mine
He seemed like my expectations of a perfect man

But he won’t give me his heart
Then I lost M
She escalated a fantasy in her head
I sensed jealousy and resentment
She relived this nonsense
Turned it into a reality
Threw away a friendship, chucking it into a perceived world of betrayal
Perhaps she was right
I may had fallen for this man
It was a fucking fantasy
It’s almost like he was ten different people

Cynical about what I have made him become to me
As I always seem to do
My complexities probably chased this one away
I gave him an expression of my heart
He gave me a wide berth
My poor heart, miserable since my Roman encounter
An overwhelming sense of guilt, confusion and delusion enveloped me
I think of how he could lay close to me
I wonder whether I could have made love to him
Whether a seal could have drawn him to me

But it’s now nothing but this empty gap between us
Distance it seems has created impossibility
I created this fucking problem
Like a school kid in the winter waiting for the spring
I am just sitting here waiting for that day of the uneventful
To hold my hands like that night
Kiss my lips
Make crazy love to me
Capture my heart and whisper to me saying “I have been thinking of you all the way”
And whilst I recognise how possible I could escape from my assortment of this (in words)
I also do embrace a reality that it now seems that I was destined to fall in love with a man I could never have

And again whilst I lay in an admiration of him, I form an elimination of this
But I do know what we shared in two days is enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
The man who shares the same name as my father and brother
The highlight of my trip to Rome
The one American yet to live in my heart forever x

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